


Deserving

by haikyuuwus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, just so you know, nothing graphic, probs not that sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:02:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22344544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikyuuwus/pseuds/haikyuuwus
Summary: Tendou has been having a hard day of a hard week of a hard life. Ushijima is there for him, if he’ll let him in.—“You look like you are thinking very hard.”“And if I am?”Ushijima stacked the books littering the other end of the bed and placed them neatly on the shelf before taking a seat. How thoughtful. What a waste on him.“What are you thinking about, Satori?”
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 328





	Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> yes i impulse wrote this fic i hope its ok thank u 4 checking it out!

Tendou stared at the bunk above him, and slowly breathed out. 

His chest felt like it was concaving, like firm hands pushing through his ribs. The buzz of the lights overhead seemed so loud. He closed his eyes, and imagined the sound as flies. Flies, darting around his lifeless body, burying their young, feasting on his-

“Tendou?”

Tendou slowly opened one eye. Ah. Perfect timing. He closed his eye again and grinned. “Wakatoshi! How nice of you to drop by to my humble abode.” He drawled, hoping it would steer the conversation away from where he sensed it was headed. 

Ushijima closed the door behind him. “We are roommates, Tendou.” 

Of course. 

Tendou folded his arms behind his head and looked up at him, face hidden by heavy shadows cast by the lights. He squinted, trying to pinpoint the emotion displayed, but couldn’t place it. 

“You look like you are thinking very hard.”

“And if I am?”

Ushijima stacked the books littering the other end of the bed and placed them neatly on the shelf before taking a seat. How thoughtful. What a waste on him. 

“What are you thinking about, Satori?” 

Ushijima crossed his legs, facing him with a more readable expression. His eyes looked tired, and his shoulders were slumped slightly. He wondered if he’d been sleeping well. Every night, Ushijima shut the lights off at 10pm, and was silent in the dark until he awoke at 7am. 

Tendou had assumed he was asleep for all 9 hours but now, now he wasn’t so sure. 

“I’m not thinking about anything, Wakatoshi.” He knocked his head a few times. “Empty, see?” 

Ushijima reached out and lightly touched his arm. The touch made Tendou shiver. He wanted to recoil, pull away. To slap his hand and tell him that he didn’t need comfort. That he didn’t need a friend. Didn’t need anyone at all. 

He settled for looking away, instead.

“Satori, I can tell that something is bothering you. I could tell at practice, and at dinner, and now. I could tell last week too, and the week before that.” Tendou didn’t miss the hurt that showed in his eyes. “I can always tell. And I want you to be able to tell me what is happening. I want you to trust me.” 

Tendou pulled his arm away, and grinned. “Ah, Wakatoshi, it really is nothing.“ He glanced at the clock on the table. “And look! It’s 9:55! You’d better get ready for bed before you’re grouchy tomorrow. I don’t think I could handle a grouchier Wakatoshi, you know.” 

He clicked his tongue and shimmied under the blankets to face the wall, the movement forcing Ushijima to stand. He would wash up later, when Ushijima was in bed. Maybe.

Ushijima stood by the bed, still watching Tendou as he pretended to fall asleep. He debated making some snoring sounds but thought that would be overkill. Instead, he just waited for Ushijima to get bored.

His chest still hurt. He felt like he had used all of his remaining energy for the conversation, if you could call it that, and everything in his body felt like it was made of lead. 

He imagined falling through the bed, then the floor, then the foundations of the building, then through the dirt, and the rocks, and the very core of the earth, and maybe there he would feel at home. 

He sighed out a shaky breath. 

He had felt something off for as long as he could remember. Any attempted interaction he had with other children as a child suggested it. Any forced interaction with adults after that definitely confirmed it. 

Nobody knew how to handle him, and nobody wanted to try. He knew he could be chaotic, and restless, and loud. He knew he was overbearing. He didn’t need to be told by anyone new. 

He’d done well, so well, at blocking out the white noise of people whispering about him, at ignoring odd looks and mean spirited laughs. 

He had found a place in a team, and everything felt like it was looking up. A team of people who supported him, and cheered for him, leading his school peers to cheer for him too... 

But he still felt it. An ache, an inherent sadness. Every so often, it would come along, and when it did, it hit like one of Ushijima’s spikes. Unforgiving and unstoppable. 

Tendou was snapped out of his thoughts as the bed dipped by his side, and creaked uncomfortably. “What-“ Tendou started, before he realized what was happening. 

Clumsily, Ushijima was climbing in beside him, pulling the blanket over his own shoulders and staring up at the ceiling. 

“I have some thoughts I’d like to share with you, Satori.” He said, his voice wavering slightly.

“I have not always been the strong ace that I am now. Even now, I worry that I am not the cannon that everyone else thinks that I am. That maybe I don’t live up to their expectations. To my father’s even, or my own.”

“I try my best. I try so hard. And I fear that it is not enough. But,”

He breathed in, and Tendou held his own breath, tears forming.

“I am having fun. For the first time in a while. I am having so much fun, Satori. And I think,”

Another pause, too long this time. Tendou turned to lie on his back and resisted the urge to look up at him.

“Go on,” he urged. 

Ushijima nodded. “I think that it is because of you. You showed me how to have fun. To enjoy myself in not only the game, but in life.”

Wow, cheesy, Tendou thought to himself, biting back the urge to comment out loud.

“I see you, being you, and I am inspired. I’m proud. And I am in love.” Tendou’s heart stopped. 

Ushijima thought for a moment, as if calculating what he had just said. “Yes,” he concluded. “I am in love.”

He turned now, to face Tendou. In the dim light, his face was barely visible, but Tendou could see the anxiety in his eyes, and the redness of his cheeks. How cute..

“And that is why I wish to know what is bothering you, Satori. I would like to help you. Not out of pity, but because you are important to me.” 

Tendou stayed quiet, begging his eyes to not spill over. 

“Satori? I am sorry if I said too much or overstepped. I’m going to go and wash up for bed now. I apologize. I hope you will tell me tomorrow.” He moved to get up, before Tendou reached out cautiously and held his arm down. 

“Wait.” Tendou mumbled, uncharacteristically quiet. Ushijima waited.

He had known for some time that he’d felt something for Ushijima. His best friend, his confidant, someone that he trusted implicitly, knew that he’d be happy spending every waking and sleeping moment with him. 

He had known, but this wasn’t at all how he had imagined the confession to go.

Part of his mind yelled at him to stop. To stop thinking that a relationship was possible, that it would last. 

Ushijima was a catch, surely he knew that, and surely he would realize his mistake sooner rather than later and he would leave. And then he wouldn’t even have a best friend anymore...And did he even deserve this? Did he deserve real happiness, a deep bond, anything good? His mind told him no.

“Satori, please, tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Wakatoshi. I don’t know what you see in me,” he laughed. “I don’t deserve whatever you’re even doing right now. I don’t deserve this. I can do this on my own. I always have!” 

And, great, the tears were coming now. They spilled out between forced laughs, and he couldn’t stop. 

Panic set in, and he berated himself for letting Ushijima get into his bed. Now he would see him up close, disgusting tears and all. How could he face him again after this? He would have to quit the team, drop out of classes, move away-

Ushijima ran his hand across his cheek, and held it there. 

Tendou stopped crying, just out of shock for a moment, before leaning into his hand and letting waves of tears out. He turned to face Ushijima, and welcomed his arms as he pulled him closer to his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he hiccuped, burying his face in Ushijima’s shirt.

“I had to do laundry anyway.” 

Tendou laughed, loudly and sincerely for the first time that night. “I meant for being a mess, Wakatoshi.”

“I am very good at cleaning. I do not mind at all.” 

Tendou laughed again.

“Wakatoshi, did you really mean everything you said?” Tendou whispered, finally feeling all out of tears. 

Ushijima stilled. Ah, Tendou thought. It was just the heat of the moment. 

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“I meant it all. I admit, I didn’t mean to say it out loud like that. It just happened.”

“Oh. Well...does this mean that we’re boyfriends now?”

“Do you want it to mean that?”

Tendou looked up at him, face cast in deep shadows, but his eyes looked soft and warm. 

“Do You want it to mean that?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes.”

Ushijima smiled, and pulled him back into his chest. 

Tendou couldn’t remember the last time he felt so at home. 

“You know, Wakatoshi, you kind of smell.”

“Well yes, I didn’t get to go shower yet. I will go do that now.”

Tendou tightened his grip. “No, no! Don’t worry, it’s ok. I was just kidding.” 

“Ah. You also smell.”

“Hey!”

They both fell asleep smiling, and Tendou definitely felt like he had found his place.


End file.
